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A man with an erection that does need a suggestion

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* * *
This is going to be a long field report. This is the report of how I burned a very simple set. Feedbacks would be very welcome. The description have been simplified to its bare facts, trying to make it as short as possible.

Facts: We passed a good day on sunday climbing. During the experience I risked falling and we both were scared. I acted alpha and by the end of the day she seemed to be taken by me. She invited me out for the evening at a show. I go there, and she is not there. I am frustrated, think about leaving, but she might be somwhere looking at me from far, so I remain. She joins me later and tells me she has been there all the time. She gives me a shit test speaking with someone else. She is so cute that is always annoying to go out with her, you can't have a conversation, you are always interrupted. I answer the test opening a female friend of mine. When I come back she is not there anymore. I pack my thing and leave. I meet her at the entrance. I say I am tired, and she say: we should phone each other.

Tuesday I pass through the place where she works and I ask her if she wants to be my security this week end. She sais yes. I am terrorised as I go there but manage  to keep my voice firm. She seem equally shy, and equally taken, and equally trying hard not to show it. I ask: when you are free. She sais: your choise. I say: saturday at 2.

Saturday at 12 I receive sms: sorry gotta work, can we do it at 4. I answer yes, but sms does not leave my machine. I discover it at 4.03. She had tried to phone me two times. I phone her. At the phone she sais: maybe we could go climbing also tomorrow. I can't believe how good all this seem to be going. We have a good day climbing. I protest that I don't want to go climbing indoor also on sunday. I need at least one day outside. We decide to go instead climbing trees. She has a special place she wants to share with me. I get an IOI after the other.

Sunday we go and pass the day together. We do not kiss, but as the sun sets I hold her from behind, and kiss her neck. This brings shiver down her spine. By this time we have enooug kino that we can hold hands while sitting but not while walking. We give each other massage to limbs. I say, I am going home soon for xmas. She is busy when I am free, I am busy when she is free. Eventually we decide to meet on wednesday after my dance class, to go eat somethign at my place. Since she is vegetarian and I carnivorious, each of us should bring its own food. Before leaving she asks me if I want to join her at a pub for some hours later in the evening. I decline as I am tired.

Monday and tuesday. I am terrorised, getting a hard 1-itis, and don't want to see her not to risk fucking up everything. I pass near her working place and see her working from far away. She does not see me, and I walk away feeling secretely like a chump.

Wednesday, this is the day on which I need some feedbacks.
I sms her ar 11: Metting at 8.30 at ... ok?
No answer for hours, my emotions are a rollercoster. I even go sarging to calm down!! Eventually I reach a sort of inner calmness. I DO NOT sms her again.
Her answer at 7.15 (wtf!):"ok, sorry for the late answer, cu".
We meet. She has not prepared any food for her. We go buy the fresh meat for me. I expected her to buy some fod for herself, but she does not. As we walk she is clearly tense. I look at her, she explains she has problems at home. I say, "here", and I hug her. She relaxes. Her heart opens, mine too. We walk more calm, both surprised by the effect a simple hug had on both of us.

We reach home and I enter. We hug. We like so much each other we even move the feet to feel the body from the head down to the knees. A single line. I then start to prepare some food, giving her permission to explore my house. Drawings are outside. I tell her where the meditations books (an interest in common) are. While I keep on preparing some food I ask her to turn on the candles, and turn off the noisy big lamp. She does it, but forgets some candles. I call her a spoiled brat for not being able to do such a  simple job. She loves it. I then end preparing the food. Steak tartar: raw meat, french dish. Nice..., but she is vegetarian. It will be her first meat in years. She eats it slowly and reluctantly, mostly not to offend me. Like a kid with vegetables. I call her spoiled, but give her some celery. In any case the dinner was a failure. She did not bring her own food, and I did not took care of her. If I knew that she was coming in time, and if I knew she was going to require me to prepare for both I might have thought of something.

We then move to the douvet. I start massagging her. We joke. Last time she did not want to me to touch her feet (too sacred). LAst time I had no problems with that and moved to massage her legs above the feet. :)
This time the feet are not sacred anymore or I am permitted in. I took her socks off, and start massagging her. I see why she say they are sacred, she is very sensible. I am very nice to them, giving her a nice massage, often using qi (energy) to go deeper. At some point of the massage she is sitting. I am speaking. I worry this might not go anywhere. So I stop speaking. She does not start. I look at her. Triangulate one time, and move toward her lips. In this position is very easy for her to refuse to let me kiss her. She does not and I give her a soft brief kiss slightly sucking her lower lip. I decide (error?) not to go on immediatly, but to follow the 1 step in front, 2 back, wanting to make her wonder if I will kiss her again. Will she wonder in her heart? I'll never know. But my inside play a bad trick to me. I like her too much, and after kissing her, for about 2 minutes (120 seconds, 1200 tenth of a second, ages!), I am unable to speak. My mind is blank. The experience is overwhelming. She asks me to keep on the conversation, but I don't remember what was I speaking about.What should I have done? What could I have done, gentlemen of the jury?

I go back to her feet. Her body language after the kiss has closed up. Her arms are even folded. After some massage she opens up again. At the end I tease her that her feet were not that sacred, after all. I polished for quite some time and no genii came out offering me 3 wishes. She sais (probably testing me):"you might get your 3 wishes this evening". "Good!" I answer "I just wanted a new car". This cracks her up. If it was a test I passed it.

Now it is her time to massage me. My feet. Very nice. My legs. I ask her if she is ticklish. She is not. I show her a way to make a person ticklish not ticklish. This requres her to be on me, tickling my chest while keeping a hand on my heart. Nice transition. She keeps on massaging my chest. But things are not too relaxed anymore. I ask her to go back to my feet. She is surprised but complies.

We switch, now I massage her. She is scared and tells me so. She even says I might get up and run away. "without socks?". "I don't need them!". Respect for the fear! I caress her body, and ask her to give a number to her fear from 1 to 10. I get between 2 and 6. But I only touch her limbs, heart, or belly. Not the breast or the hips. I tell her how good is it to see a person who is able to face her fear. I ask her to look at me. Then recall her fear (Error! In this way she anchors her fear to me!) then recall her strength to act regardless of her fear. Her eyes are beautiful, but I think the whole action was an own goal.

She now goes down and I massage her. We look into each other eyes. I tell her about how good it is to look into each other eyes, and about some taoist techniques to do it deeper. Eventually we reach the point where I am sitting below her, she is looking into my eyes. I enter her eyes, and I penetrate her soul. I open her, and reach extasy through her eyes. I then hug her. I probably should have kissed her right away. But her closed body at the end of the previous kiss stops me. I sniff her, and eventually I try to go for the lips. She pulls her head to the side. Saying I cannot. I try again (wrong!), saying, "yes you can". She says, "but maybe I don't want". While pulling back. I am in the wrong frame. Damn! I say: "Oh yes you want!". With an air of certitutde. Point! Frame! She admits it. But it is obvious that something is holding her back. Should I have gone caveman here? What should I have done? Pretty much from here everything goes downhill.


She gets up and goes to the toilet. I know when she will be back she will be cold. I turn off a lamp (or the many), and wait for her. She comes back, and does not even sits on the douvet. Then she gets on the douvet, but does not sit. She is getting ready to go. I go turn on the big lights preparing to freeze her. I then offer her a game of a small board game. I beat her too time, then ties her that she will never be able to play. We now go back to massaging each other. I massage her feet and legs, she massage mine.

I tell her about a movie. While I speak my eyes get wet. I am excited and happy. Not for her, just for the story. This is as AFC as it can be, alpha  don't get excited on things that are irreal. We speak about how good is it to cry for happiness. I ask her about the last time she cried for happiness. This was an error, she starts telling me about a man she loves, that she met two weeks ago. How she could not be with him, but how it made her cry of happiness. I wonder in the dark. What should I do? Should I have corrected her? Is it bad to show yourself crying for happiness?

 At some point she gets up, I think she is going to the bathroom. Comes back with her jacket. She IS running away. WTF! I get up. I don't want it to finish like this. I want to be the one to end it. I want to kiss her before. And I want her to go wanting for more. I don't want her to go running away, feeling I wanted more, feeling she closed the deal. We get near. Is the time for the last hug. I look at her, and go caveman. I kiss her lips rapidly, passionatley. Two times. She does not protest. Should I have continued? Probably. Please tell me! It was the first time I went caveman with a woman who is otherwise telling me, no. The legal responsability are binding me. But she seemed pleased for what has just happened. I say: "Thanks, I needed that". But I said it from a violent frame, of he who takes what he wants. Not from a submissive frame. She looks at me from the door, sais: "Phone me when you are back from the vacations.". And goes.

And I remain home recollecting what has happened and what errors have I done.

Errors:
This is my list, please feel free to add what else you think

The main problem was a problem of directionality. She came with me to get directionality, and she did not get it enough. I never pushed her away, accepted to go in her frame. Pulled her to me with authority only when I went caveman, and generally played the fascinating but good, mama's boy. I was not enough C&F, and missed some times in some kisses. I did not show her any weakness, which increased her sense of fear. I also made her fear increase, while I could her turned it by asking her to give me  a number for her confidence, instead of a number for her fear.

Good things:
 It was good to hug her giving her stability. The massage was good. The eye routine seem to be a good personal one that I have. Similarly the tickilish routine.
 

What else.
Please help me to clarify, because this was a very simple situation that I burned, against all odds.
* * *
I better write this field report or it will be too late, and I will start to forget. I already forget bits and pieces.

Thursday: On the evening I went climbing. I was just discussing with the organizer how I had no partner for the week end. (you always need a partner when you climb to manage your security). He was listing me some possibilities, (the board, and so on) when a really pretty girl pushed her head in. I have met her last week ennd, and while my friends where climbing between them, I had asked her if she could be my security partner. We left at that after one time. This time as soon as she pushed her head in I asked: are you climbing this week end? And so I close her. Phone, and meeting time. Then we did not spoke or look at each other again. And I had the sensation she was more unsecure, and shy than me.

Friday: I forgot.

Saturday: Saturday was crazy. I woke up deciding I wanted to do something. I started to phone to my (female) friend in Italy. She wasn't there. I did not phone to her mobile. I phoned to the girl I sarged two weeks ago. An evening. In those two weeks she played hard to find. She said she was busy, didn't answer phone calls. So I phoned her from another phone. Not the number she knew. She still did not answer. I went for a walk in the late morning sunshine. Among christmas stands, people and the band. Did I mention the band? While I was there I started thinking, how can I get this girl to actually pick up the phone. So I sent her an SMS. Not submissive, instead it sounded like: "WOW, you should be here! but fast". Then I walked in front of the stand of the girl of Wednesday. The girl to whome I said: we should chat some time. She was with a guy. I kept on walking. Then I beated myself, and went back. After all if there was someone else in the stand I could ask her to take something to eat with me, while the guy kept the stand. When I went back she was alone. Immediatly I said: "Oh gosh, I forgot, I should have brought you a yoyo". It was true that I promised. And it was true that I forgot. But I think it placed the right frame on the whole interaction. I was lucky, but it is some luck that can be repeated. I took from her some info on where to get a good crepes, then I went back once I had the Crepe. It was cold outside, and she invited me in. There was the sensation that she was interested in me, maybe more than me in her. Soon I had nothing to tell her, I was on one leg, squeezed in such a small place, I ejected. She asked me to come again. I think she is just bored. Still something might get out of this. In a sense this was a short day 2. Or at least day 1.5. While I was with her I received an SMS. Slowly but surely the girl of before answered. Don't get them important, get them curious:"What's happening? I just woke up, been dancing all night". And here was my second test. What am I going to tell her? If I say let's meet she will simply ignore me. I sent two SMS. The first was: "the sun is out, is warm, the band is here, and you are really missing out". But then a few minutes later I wrote her: "If you can be vertical in one hour, I am going to a scouting exploration adventure, and you can join me". Then I went shopping. It was after all saturday, and soon the shop would be closed. (not really, but I had not calculated that it was xmas). As I went on I found another stand. Volunteers. I know the girl who is sitting there. I walked to her, with a puzzled look, and said: I know you. She said, yes, I was your german teacher. Oh gosh, the teacher I liked so much in school. We started chatting from one side to the other of the stand. But now I have learned my lesson. She had a female collegue, near her. I asked: "shall we take something to drink?" So I venue changed with her. And we spoke for the first time. It was nice, she told me of her plans. I of mine. She is much nearer to me as of age, and we have much more to exchange. While I was there with her I got an SMS: "ok in one hour, see you at..." (oops! I better be fast!). We kept on chatting, and eventually she volunteered: "we should meet again, I can give you..." So I got her phone number, with a vague idea that I could teach her some tai ji, and she could teach me some german. I might finally learn it, 3 months before leaving! I took the bill, I know, was an error, but I have invited her. In any case when she thanked me for the third time I realised it was probably wrong to pay for her, so I added: "it's ok, next time is your turn.". She lost her step, so surprised was she. Then I went to buy my groceries. I also sent my answer:"bring clothes that can get dirty".(telling a girl how to dress= alpha attitude. At least in my mind). And I used the SMS, her SMS, as an opening passport. I would keep the phone in front of me, and ask: "Sorry, do you know where ... is?". In this way I finally started chatting with one of the girls working at the supermarket, that I never managed to approach. It was weird, each girl was helping me with the next. I understand a bit now the whole point of the group theory. But in this case the girls were no that much aware of each other. It was more that my personal state got better and better. So we had our Day 2.

Let's say that by this time I was already satisfied of how my day has gone. In any case it was a huge success. I number closed a woman I liked from a long time. I managed to get a girl I got her number to answer me, although she normally does not. I also managed to get her to meet me. And I laid the foundation of another possible pick up. In any case I already had my share of success.

Field report of the day 2. Things did not went so well, in terms of day 2. I clearly had no clue what to do. I so much have only studied approach, and the first period, that I just did not know what to do. I knew I had to start all over again, waking up the attraction again. I knew, I had to build confort. But I had no idea on how to do it. I first aimed for my house. It was near the start of the hike trail. I wanted to get up, so she was familiar with the house, and then leave immediately. Instead we ended up staying there a bit more, as I was preparing some food. She also started looking at the pictures I had, the drawings:"do you do them"."Can I see them...", and so on. "I also draw, but...". It was going well, but I just could not get myself to start any kino. Why, I ask myself now. Her eyes were sparkling toward me, I bet there was an IOI there. Maybe I could have played with her locks there. But I didn't. And I think I lost my first opportunity. And every opportunity lost, is a step in her brain that you make toward betadom. I insisted that we were to go, after all we were there just for a few minutes, and the sun would set at 4.30. We walked up the trail, until we reached the summit of the hill. The view is fantastique. You can see the whole town, and a green valley in details. You can see far away, and not hear the sounds of the city. We sat there and enjoyed that little moment. At some point she was sitting between me and the sun. I turned to face her, actually to look at the sun. That was the time, I had to do something. But I didn't. the most weird thing was that I remember her thumbs. She was actually turning playing with her thumbs. I guess she was just waiting for me to make a move. But I didn't. The problem was that I had not initiated any kino at all. I should have said, "come here, I give you a little massage". Or viceversa. Things would probably have worked out. But not this time. When the silence started to feel embarassing, I said, we better go, not to end up in the middle of the hike, with no light. The sun was in fact already setting. We walked on. But at every step I could feel her eyes sparkle less and less. When we stop again, at the end of the hike her eyes was not sparkling nearly at all. When we went back home, she did not got up. Maybe she was tired, maybe she did not want to risk that I might try to kiss her. As we went on the scooter, she hugged me much more. More than before, and it was very pleasent. But as I left her at the bus stop, and took off my helmet, again I had the sensation she was fearing I would have (tried to) kiss her.

So, it obviously did not went well. But it is ok. It is experience, and of course as I get better on the approach, I will start to have many day 2 with nothing happening. The wave hits the rock that has not been diluted yet.
* * *
And then sometimes you go out, and don't even have the guts to approach anyone.

Actually I went to buy the food at the usual place. A young girl is serving there. I asked her if she was attending university. She said: "oh, no". She always have a sweet smile, only for me. But what can you say? "So how do you see your future? A bright and happy and full of fresh meat?". I just smiled at her, and went. What can you say. I mean, not as an opening, there are some people with which you just have nothing to exchange. The cassier was there too. The one with which we often flirt. I was planning to throw in a: would be nice to chat more, but we can't. But this time we did not chat at all. She did not acknowledge me, much. I avoided the needy frame, by not asking attention. We both showed our ability to live without each other. And that was all.

But the question remains: what do you chat about with a girl you have really nothing to speak about. I think I need to learn some chick crack.

And yesterday evening, after dancing, I brought my partner to drink something. No I did not pay, but I probably would have paid, considering that I was double her age. Precisely! I was ammazed by how well did the "you should marry your bf" line works. Again used it, again she tells me all sort of bad things about him. I do it a couple of other times, and I think I might just consider it something known, and move on. Again we did not have much to speak about, but this time we had passed some time together dancing, so even lazily chatting, while (me) drinking was ok. There was no attraction. But I noticed one thing. Something that can really be quite common.

Young women, in their 18-20, are very easy to be interested. But are also extra careful. They realise you know so much more you can fold them like a glove. Older woman are generally more relaxed. They feel superior to you, and this feeling makes them more open. I probably need to calibrate how much I amaze a girl.
* * *
I took a little time in the afternoon and went around the christmass shops. I was in a relaxed maybe sarge status. I found a small place that was selling wooden objects. I went there, and looked around. The girl who was working there asked me something in German. I didn't speed up. I kept is slow, and said, I am sorry, I don't speak german. I did not aske her what she said, but waited until she repeated herself in English. I am starting to feel that this vacuum practice is actually quite good. Soon we were chatting about what she was doing, what was I doing. WHere will she travel to, where am I going to. And she was giving me some IOI. Nothing incredible, but she was looking me in the eyes. And I felt there was interest. So I did my little next step. What I still have so rarely managed to do in a non natural situation. I asked: "it's nice to chat with you, we should do it more, about...". I felt incredibly proud for having been able to say something like that without coming out as needy. Is so hard to be able to create occasions without looking needy. She gave me a little shit test, saying she was always there. And I ejected, saying that I should probably come back at some point.

What instead I should have said was: "well, I don't really enjoy speaking in such an unstable situation, with you selling stuff and having to keep your attention to your shop. Maybe at some point you can take 5 minutes and we take a crepes.". And if she had said no, I should have ejected.

But nevertheless I am quite proud of my little step.
* * *
She just left. I am a little bit drunk. Let's see what went right, and what left.

We were supposed to meet last week, but she was ill. Her boyfriend sent me a mail (wtf!), saying that she still wanted to see me, just she couldn't this week, and asked to reschedule for the next.

When she sent another mail, on sunday, asking when should we meet, I was a bit in doubt if I should have offered her to drive her to my home with the scooter, or just tell her my address number. I live at the top of a hill. Eventually I decided it was better to give her my address, following the reasoning: if she wants more she can ask, and I can give. But if I offer too much and she sais no, it puts a bad precedence. As I rather have her asking, than her rejecting, I told her to reach me at my house. It was my turn to be ill, this time. But I wondered if it was real illness, or it was just an extreme form of being emotioned. I had no real reason to be ill. At least no physical reason.

We met again at the dance class on monday. She was with her boyfriend. The same guy who would always have so much aggressivity for me in his eyes. This time he looked me three times. The first time he was showing a friendly superiority (and I neutral). Than he was amused (and I neutral). And finally he was scared (and I, again, neutral). Just before leaving we spoke briefly. I told her how to reach my house. She asked me if she should bring some wine (yes, thanks). It was nice, it felt balanced. It was also nice that we liked the same kind of wine.

When she arrived I had just ended cleaning the house. The food was still to be prepared. I did it as she was looking at me. But the first thing I need to say, is that something was different. Even strange. When we meet, normally, there is a lot of erotic tension between us. We look in the eys from one side to the other of the dancing room. This time it felt different. And it felt she was chatting and chatting and chatting to cover up for it. It felt weird, but I let her speak. At least at the beginning. We went through all sort of interesting conversation, and I made sure I also helped her to feel emotions, as I told her about my life. About passions and loves that i had in my life. And yet I felt there was something difficult. Not only there was no kino. It was like there was a little barrier to kino. I took her hands various times. To ask for her attention. To show her a meditation exercise. A massage exercise. She would follow me, but I could feel she was not relaxed. I still need to learn the push-pull.

At somepoint we were both very tired. The conversation was going great. I mean, we really were both enjoying the conversation but we were both tired. She was yawning, and I was having a hard time in keeping my eyes open. I said that it was time for her to go back home (it was not even 10pm), as I had to sleep early. It was then that she invited me to some event on sunday evening. Since she actually took the bus, she needed another half an hour. We went on chatting. While we were chatting she told me that her bf, was not really her bf. He wanted to be his boyfriend, but she was in doubt. I could understand it, as the guy is really beta. I even have a picture that I took with him kneeing in front of her as they chat, while she is having a princess stuck up face. It's really funny. In any case I did not want to have any problem from this side, so I told her I thought they should actually marry. "Me and him?". "Of course, she loves you so much". And she told me how she does not love him. Point!

The conversation went more and more intimate, until we were looking into each other eyes. I felt I should have kissed her, but I could not do it. The window did not seem to open, or so I felt. And I just could not cross those 10 cm. I got her near to smell her. It was a nice and intinate moment, and probably I should have left it at that. We asked each other questions. That is, I asked a question, and when it was her time, she tested me by asking me what time it was. 10.20, I said, time to go. And then I tried to kiss her. Kissing when you are cross legged, one in front of the other, is clumsy. You really need to have some collaboration going on. And it takes so much time to cross the great river, that by the time you are there, she has had all the time to judge if she is interested or not. Consciously! Not only she wasn't but she practically offered me her right ear, so much she turned her head. It was an error to try to kiss her in that moment. But I don't know how I could have played the evening. I need to get some complacency working. And some push-pull. I seriously need to learn the push-pull.

After the non-kiss, she negged me: "you know I had this friend who had schizofrenia. He tried to kiss me many times, and he was very nice, but something in me would just say no. The same is with you. I am overwhelmed. And is all very nice. But the same thing in me is making me say no."

"how interesting" I answered. As the neg went home. I always thought I had something wrong inside. Some sort of raw, unquestioned, evil, that pushes most women far away from me. I even had a meditation teacher telling me that I had to work on something, for the energy of that was pushing the girls away. But I did (or so I felt), and then I asked him, and he said, that now it was ok.

But still... her neg was unquestionably painful, and made me realise I wanted to meditate more and more in dissolving the beast.

Her next neg never reached me. "But, you know, I felt it, in a feminine intuition sort of way, that it was going to happen.". "happen?". "yes, that you would have tried something". "tried something? feminine intuition? You don't really need any feminine intuition. You haven't notice the tension there was between us? The way you were looking at me?" (she really was, I can tell you). I continued: "and now you want to play innocent". And from that point I teased her. I teased her while she was getting her jacket on. I teased her, while she was going away. Before leaving I pointed her to my cheek: "kiss". She did. "are you coming on monday, so that I can have one last dance with you?" she asked. "I think so, but I am not sure, you know how I am preparing all to go home in those days". And then she went.

I am happy, at least I could get her to comply in kissing me on the cheeks at the end. Not for the kiss but for the complacency. It really felt bad to have such a nice evening end up exactly as I tried to kiss her.


Errors & lessons.
I really need to learn to structure better my kino. I need to learn complacency. I need to learn push and pull, and god knows what else.
It was wrong to try to kiss her. We were just building confort, I should have stayed there. And although kissing is part of confort, we had just not reached that level yet. It was already good that we were sitting close together. And I was keeping my hands on her knees.
I also need to work more, inside, on my energy. On the other hand, I should not get too paranoid about it. I had plenty of girls that would not feel any problem in kissing me, or going with me. So it might be quite a subjective experience.

Addendum:
thinking about it in the morning I reached the conclusion that there was another way in which I could have played the whole thing. As soon as I saw her chatting so much I could have LJBF'ed her by not doing any kino. Not inviting her to sit near me in the duvet. Not do anything that could be interpreted as an advance. The risk here was to end up as a friend. Which is what has actually happened. But the reason why it has happened this time is because I was too easy. She had me, was expecting me, and was feeling she had already won me. I was not a challenge anymore. Being more of a challenge would surely have been a good thing.
* * *
* * *
The evening in the pub was nearly ok. I went there with a book, but inside I felt a shit for not having the braveness to even try to open anyone. The funny thing is that few weeks ago a friend came in, and we went hunting together. And although we were both scared white of acting we did act, and had even quite some success. I had an email, and all in all we open 4 sets. But now, alone, the gap to bridge with a random other human being feels wide. Way too wide.

As I was sitting there with my book (The female brain), one woman came to get some light from the candle. I fantasized of saying: you can take some light if you can answer me a question. Shoule I use this cologne or that. But I didn't. And not because I had no perfume on my wrist. Just because I had no fire in my heart.

So time later I went to the table of the girl who asked me for the light. She was chatting with a female friend. I asked if I could get the menu. She gave it to me, but her eyes seemed hard. As if someone giving me a non-AI. I ejected with the menu. And then I realised. I realised that I hhave done this all my life. I have opened girls on the street with random questions from when I was old enough to be hormonally awake. I know thousands of ways in which women can tell you the time. And in this process I also learned to distinguish girls who want to be opened, and girls who don't want to. Or so I think. And for this reason most, nearly all, of my sets end uo with me ejecting. I never try to win her over. Either she is already won, or I eject. If she is won, I might ask a second question. And then a third. But her eyes are like signposts. They say: yes, continue like this. No, stop.

But all this might change, as I get better. For example, the way in which I open a person can make her want me to open her more or not. For example yesterday I opened those girls over my shoulder, and they were more open to me. I had the clear sensation that it was for the indirect way of opening them.

Later in the evening another girl came. Walked with something to read, and started reading it. She briefly made EC when she went to sit. She is the one for which I beated myself later, for I had the impression she was giving me an AI. I went to take something to drink and again our eyes touched briefly, always briefly. Not enough for me to feel I had the right to 'disturb' her. I obviously still subscribe to the believe that women don't like to be hit on. I should change this.

I invited a friend for a short game, and we played like male do. Fully concentrated in our game. Without speaking, and just sometimes emitting a brief hmmm, when the situation deserved it. I knew the game was also giving me social validation: I might be here, alone, reading a book, but I obviously know people here, and if I want to I can have a great time with them. I am obviously alone because so I want. This was the message that I might have been giving.

After the game (I won), my friend left, and I took back my book. Half concentrated in it, and half on her. Maybe she is a doctor (many people around here study medicine), I could have asked her what she thought the book meant here and there. I fantasized. And that was fucking humiliating.

In the meantime the bar have slowly filled up. The last female 3-set had no place to sit, so they shared my table, with its confortable armchairs. The woman opened me.

I always said, at least from as much as I have memory), that there are no ugly woman. That every woman was a beauty, in its own way. I might have to reconsider this. She was clearly well aware of her physical appearence, and very shyly asked me if I was Italian. She later explained me she has seen me at a certain cafe' I use to go often to chat with an italian friend. I was kind with her. And confirmed. And then she ejected with a 'sorry'. I said 'no, no, is alright'. And went back to my book. Thinking: thinking that not beautiful women have the shortest stick. The it can mess them up, at least as much as we men are messed up. Although they don't have to deal with the massive amounts of testosterone we male have.

Eventually the girl on the back of me left. Alone, again. So girls do go to bars alone. It's not a myth. This information alone could have been worth the evening.

As I arrived home I was still trembling. Trembling of actions undone. It took me a long time to understand what was it.

They call it 'approach anxiety'. But is not an anxiety, and the cause is not the approach.

No, I was afraid... no it was not fear. I was terrified.

And I was not terrified of the approach. I felt more terrified of being discovered. As if I had some serious crimes. As if I had some serious secrets. And of course I had serious secrets. A lifetime of wanking, and sexual fantasies is not ignored in one day. After all who else but a creep would go to a pub to find a woman. This my unconscious thought. But more than that, I was afraid in being discovered in trying to subvert the social order, that wanted me a beta male. Fit to raise and pay for the women, but not to seduce them, and lay them.

And it was not even a fear of being discovered. I was afraid of being exposed. When has it happened? It must have happened some time. I must have been exposed by a fellow kid, and I still replay the movie that freezes me into inaction.


I passed the late evening, and the early morning to dissolve the ice in my central channel. That cold sensation that stops me from acting. Even after I was through with it, I knew this was just the first layer. Just the first meeting with the first big monster this work is unleashing.

Then later, in the morning, I went to the cafe'. That cafe' where I have been seen. There I was presented with a black rasta man from Gambia. Really a cool guy. In front of him was a woman working for the cafe. She was in pause. As I was chatting and hearing some music, I made EC with the girl. We both kept it for a long time. Then she looked away. Then we looked againm again for a long time. As I got my drink, I went to sit at their table, and I tried Mystery method. I gave all my attention to the Gambia rasta guy. The girl started to move restless. Started to look at her watch. I ignored her. She got up, and left. The rasta guy asked for an appointment (AFC style). I translated. She told him she worked here, and she was gone. And I was left thinking: how was I supposed to act. What was I supposed to do. Maybe C&F while she was moving restless. I don't know, and I would like to have suggestions on this.


And right now I am wondering if I should go to the Amsterdam workshop from the guys from The Approach. On the one side is generally good to have a workshop as a first thing when you start a new art, so you are told what to concentrate on, what big errors to avoid. On the other, if you do a workshop too early, you might pass most of the time taking notes about things you could actually learn from books. Instead of concentrating on what can only be taught from human being to human being. The cost of the workshop is massive. I can pay for it if it's going to be really useful, but I cannot afford to throw away all this money.


So, errors, lessons.

Cold approaches are definitely where my edge is, right now: I have a HUGE sticking point in opening other people if I don't share with them any good background excuse. I should work on this, not only by trying but also by using meditation to smooth my insides. It also seem quite a good idea to hang around bars, with things to read. By the end of the evening I also have read quite a lot, and I have plenty of books on my to read list.

Probably I should have been more C&F with the female waiter. She obviously had real time constraints. I might still play here later. But I might already be fantasizing.
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A whole day without an opening.
A whole week without a new number.
And the last days without looking in the eyes of the people much anymore.

Sometimes it feels I am walking backward.
Two steps in front and one backward,
is still one step forward!

I think I shall have dinner than take my favorite book and go to my favorite pub, to have my favorite drink. And if I get an AI I might open her. If not I just concentrate in looking in the eyes.

Current Mood:
discontent discontent
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While I am writing quite often in the discussion fast seduction forum, only some of those entries are really meaningful for me.
That is, personal sticking points, field reports, or missions.

Field Reports:
[6-nov-06] part 1: How do you game more than one girl
[12-nov-06] part 2: help me interpret this girl signals.
[8-nov-06]: FR: gaming in a meditation workshop

Missions:
[7-nov-06]: Looking in the eyes by default


I will update this post as I write new entries in the discussion forum
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Yesterday evening I went dancing. I had fun, but not much more. The truth was that I was not feeling very well phisically, and interestingly this took me away from my edge. The teacher acted toward me as if I was more alpha before, and more beta later. Interesting. I'll see if I can turn it around.

This morning, as soon as possible I put on two types of perfumes. This time I was not going to let myself been caught off guard. Then I went buying some food and I chicked out from doing any real approach. Still I wanted to test again the speaking above my shoulders, so I walked faster than two (really pretty, IMO) girls, and asked the time... above the shoulder. My shoulder. They seemed more relaxed than when I go and ask for something upfront. They said something in German. Showed me the watch. I said, stop there, took the watch to read it. Still I couldn't get myself to do anything more. So I thanked, and ejected.

On the mall line the girl in front of me had no more money. I offered to lend her the money. She refused. I still consider this as a success. It was a human contact.

But probably the only real skirmish I had today was with a friend. That is, a female friend of my office collegue. Did I mention that he has amazing platonic success? And there is a constant stream of gorgeous girls that come and go to say hi to him. If I ignored that he is nearly virgin I might have even envy him. By the way, my collegue is in a LTR, and no wing. So I cannot really count on him to make things much easier for me.

So this girl came in. And since we she came to my birthday, and still ignores me pretty much all the time I announced her: "YOUR friend is here". Did it felt needy? Maybe. She laughed, hid her face in shame and then they started chatting. In german, always in german. They went out of the room. Came back, and asked for my second chair. The one I was keeping my feet on. Eventually she sited there on the side of my feet. All this time I had been pretty much ignored (and was actually feeling quite shit because of it, but let's go on). I started saying that if she was going to use my chair she HAS to speak in English. They switched to english. As they were speaking in English I could relate more.
She was waiting for another collegue that was supposedly going to give her English lessons (AFC style). I pretty much started teasing her all the way. I asked her about her plans... and teased her on them. Eventually I was coming out C&F, while both her and my collegue were just laughing. Then I thought about running the perfume routine, she said she could not smell anything. I put more. She chose.
-So what perfumes are them? She asked.
-"Eau de fromage" and "Eau de Cocot" I lied. "You chose 'Eau de Fromage'".
-"Eau de fromage"? You mean cheese smell. Bleah.
-Yes, yes, I was surprised by your choise.
-So where do you buy them?
-Oh, I make them myself.
-I think you are lying.
-Ha! You think but you are not sure.
We all cracked up. Even her, and with a depth of laugh that showed we were all really amused by the situation, and by her own doubt. Half way through the laugh we made a short eye contact.

-Well, come next time I shall prepare you a new type of perfume.

She left to join our collegue for her class.
-Go, and try to learn something.
I finally greeted her.

Only later did I realised that:
a) I had not put two male perfumes, but a female and a male
b) She has chosen the female perfume
c) Every time I look at her she is so masculine in her ways that I think she must be at least bi.

All this made the exchange even more funny.
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One of the recuring topics in most e-books out there on the Game is to really define what you want from it. I'll try to, although my aims might change as I get more experience, and know myself better.

The most important thing is that I want to feel that women are no longer a problem. I don't feel anymore as a problem to get laid. And I don't feel again, never, ever, that I will never get laid again in my life, and that it is beyond my power to have some safe, sane consensual sex with an intelligent good looking female. And you can drop intelligent, but not too much.

As such I want to be able to meet many women. In fact I want to reach the point where I have a new woman in bed at least once a month. This would give me enough time to know one, before really nexting her.

I am looking to develop a network of friendship, and Fuck Buddies, that sustain me as I sustain them. As I start to find girls it whouldn't be that hard. But there might be some need to learn some extra parts of the game. Example how to game a girl who you are having sex with to keep her interested in you.

It seem quite obvious that I am not looking for a girlfriend right now. And the reason is that I had girlfriends before, and I always felt it was mostly through luck that I got them, and when we left I was unable to find another one. Sometimes for months. Sometimes years. I don't have anymore the time to wait those long stretches of times. Sorting my sexuality means also be able to have new girls easily. This also should help me become more honest, by avoiding me having to stay in a relationship when the only thing that is keeping me there is puss..., I mean sex.

I am looking forward to have many more sexual experiences. Many as as much as a thousand. Having a 1000 of experiences in bed is considered by some taoist groups as the basic requirement, before a men is ready to have a long term relationship. Good luck to me :).

While I am not looking for a LTR, I might accept to develop some FB into MLTR, if we both feel like.

And another thing that I am looking for, before I become so old that it would be totally creepy even just the thought of it, is to have sex with young women in the age gap between legal age and twenty.
Yes, I haven't had enough experiences in the last years of high school, first years of university.

And all this bounty requires me to go out, and get blown off again and again.
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